I would sit at the front door nervously looking out the window watching that tree... I was convinced that tree was going to fall over right onto our house. If it wasn't the palm tree, then one of flashes of lightning showing off all over the sky would surely strike our house or yard and catch fire, or the rain would come pouring in and eventually flood our house.
Worry. Worry. Worry.
I was consumed by it as a child. Just ask my family; they often called me a worrywart because of how much worry would cripple me.
As I have gotten older, I have tried very hard to fight against and overcome worry.
At best it causes you to always revert to worst case scenarios. At its worst, it paralyzes you from being able to move forward in any capacity.
It's not easy to overcome, especially as an internal processor. My mind is often churning, thought after thought after thought after thought. I am either replaying situations, questioning everything that already happened, second guessing what was said, how it was said, the way I acted, if I came across a certain way. Or, I am playing out future scenarios: what if this, what if that, etc., etc.
I am sure by now you have heard the song P E A C E by Hillsong Young & Free. If not, you should go check it out right now. Seriously, stop reading and go listen.
That song is a song I never knew I needed.
After soaking in the lyrics of that song I became keenly aware of just how much I allow worry to affect my thoughts & actions.
This adoption process has tested every facet of faith that I could have ever imagined and worry is no exception.
Literally, every "what if" scenario I have played out in my head has quickly become my reality. Everything I have been scared of, unprepared for, and terrified of happening has happened.
And.
Strangely, through most of this process, especially this last month or so when the script has continued to take every twist and turn imaginable, I have felt intoxicated by the relentless waves of peace. But not just any peace, His peace.
The biggest thing that God has taught me in this process is that God is still good and perfect even when things don't turn out the way that you want them to. That lesson is hard and so scary and not one to take lightly.
Every path my mind has wandered down, every scene that has played out on the screen of my life I have had to stop and say "God you are still good."
Of course we know that God is good and it is really easy to say it and live by it when things play out the way you wanted them to or expected them to.
But... when your biggest fears are your reality, when you are faced with the one thing you never wanted to happen, when the thing he asked you to step into is taken away, when your flesh and mind want to quickly turn to resentment and anger. THEN, in those moments when you have to choose to lean into God's goodness and perfect faithfulness, it no longer becomes an easy thing to say. It requires you to dig in your heels and deeply know and stand on the fact that he is good and he is perfect, regardless of what happens.
This isn't to stay that I have not struggled with this concept, I have been all over the roller coaster of emotions.
In the last few weeks/month I have felt a shift in the winds. I know now the only way I have been able to confidently walk into the eye of the storm is through the promise of peace that God keeps for us. He can make messes into a beautiful intricate piece in his plan, he can use an obstacle to make a shortcut, and he can provide a ram as a sacrifice in a split second.
But, he doesn't have to do any of those things and sometimes he doesn't. AND. Even when he doesn't do any of those things, even when our worst case scenario plays out, we can still cling to the peace of his goodness, faithfulness, and perfection.
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