Even When

I have hesitated to write this post for a while. In part because I didn't want to face the emotions that come along with writing and in part because I wanted our next update to be a picture of us as a family of four.

On April 20th the three of us boarded a plane to Ethiopia. The following Tuesday (April 24th) we went to the Ethiopian court and legally became the parents of our beautiful daughter. While there, we were able to finish all of the follow up steps...except one. Her visa.

Our case is having a hiccup on the U.S. side which is holding up our ability to bring her to America. This issue does seem like it will get worked out, but there is no definitive timeframe of when that will happen.

So, last week we made the extremely heartbreaking decision to leave Ethiopia. We arrived home Friday night. After spending our first few days home overcoming jet lag I have been hit with a wave of emotions.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. We weren't supposed to leave her behind (again). She is supposed to be here on the couch with me or running around the house playing with her brother.

At least that is not how it was supposed to be in MY mind, in MY timeline, and in MY plans.

What's that saying? "You wanna make God laugh? Tell him your plans."

So many of the Christian cliches have been running through my mind the past few weeks.

"God will work it out in his timing"
"Everything happens for a reason"
"When God says yes, no one can say no"

Obviously there is truth in these statements, some of them are derived from Bible verses. But it dawned on me that I was drowning in the whirlpool of all these sayings.

Do I believe what I say I believe?

We sing lines all the time like "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders....take me deeper than my feet could ever wander" or "Oh the peace that comes when I'm broken and undone by Your unfailing grace. I can lift my voice and say You can have it all, Lord" or "I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord"  

But when the Spirit does take us to where our trust is without borders, when we are deeper than our feet have ever wandered, do we find peace in the brokenness that comes with it? Do we remain confident that we will see God's goodness? 

Or are those just nice lines in a song that can get us ramped up during worship and we neglect the weight and power of the words we are pouring from our lips?

I ask God all the time to take me deeper, to help me to grow more in Him.. and yet I am always somehow thrown off when he does. 

While we were in Ethiopia, we visited the embassy a couple of times to meet with people about our case in hopes of finding a way to resolve the issues. I went into those meetings feeling so confident that God was going to do something big, he was going to part the waters and move some mountains. I left both meetings feeling discouraged, disheartened, and confused. 

I didn't understand. I had the faith (and it was definitely bigger than a mustard seed). I believed he was going to do it, but he didn't do it. 

This week as I have had time to let the emotions settle and the grief fade, God began to open my eyes. He reminded me of the songs above that I so proudly belt out in worship. He reminded me that I asked for this, I asked for my faith to be made stronger. 

Your faith can't be made stronger if you don't have moments of brokenness and weakness. Those are the moments where you choose if you want to grow. When in your brokenness you choose to press into God and press into his truths. That is when you can begin to feel your faith get stronger. When you choose to stand firm in what you say you believe even when you don't understand. Even when it doesn't make sense, even when you're disappointed, even when it hurts like hell, even when all you want to do is give up and give in. When you choose to cling on to the tiniest piece of thread, that is when His spirit is made strong in you. 

So even though my heart is broken, even though I am incredibly disappointed, even though I am spending my very first Mother's Day with my children on two different continents, even though I am confused and thoroughly don't understand what is happening and why. I am choosing to say yes. Yes, I really do believe what I say I believe. I know that God has already said yes, and no one on this entire Earth can say no.