We're Home....and What it Was Like Getting Here

It is hard to believe that we have had custody of and been home with Tsegazeab (pronounced Sega (like the video game system) Zeb) for over a month. I have been trying to sit down to write an update for a while now but I have barely been able to catch my breath.  Having him home in a lot of ways is still very surreal. I catch myself just staring at him in awe that he is actually playing in his room, or napping on my chest, or tagging along in the backseat. 

  

2 1/2 years ago Barry and I set out on this adoption journey, we weren't too sure what it would entail or how long it would take but I can tell you we definitely had no idea how emotional it was going to be. After each milestone we would find ourselves exhaling a little but inhaling even more as we prepared for the next step. 

Nothing could have prepared us for what the last 4 months had in store. 

When we decided that I would take a trip to Ethiopia to meet Tsega we were hopeful we'd be able to bring him home, but we knew nothing was guaranteed. I wasn't exactly sure what God was calling me out there to do (other than to meet our son) but looking back I can see his fingerprints all over that trip. 

A month into my time in Ethiopia the government had put a suspension on all adoptions (as you all know) I honestly thought my heart was breaking. The reality of being able to bring Tsega home not only on this trip but ever was quickly slipping through our fingers. I couldn't fathom leaving Ethiopia without him but we weren't sure if adopting him was ever actually going to happen. 

God was so faithful to both of us during what (for me) was the HARDEST walk of faith I have done in my life. I constantly felt his provision, his steady peace, and his guidance in each day as we waited to hear what would happen. 

Fast forward to June, we received our positive MOWA comment, our court date, and took custody of our son (FINALLY!) 

All of the prayers, the tears, the heartache, the crying out on bended knee, the frustration, the up and down roller coaster ride, the uncertainty, it's all over! 

Now, all of this was/is extremely exciting and long awaited for us. However, adoption is rooted in deep loss, and even though Tsega is just shy of 2 years old that concept is not and was not lost on him. 

So, although we were and are rejoicing to have Tsega home with us, we are also very aware of the fact that there was and still may be mourning for him.  

God orchestrated me to be out there and to spend 3 1/2 months getting to know him on his turf and allowing us to be comfortable with each other. But, there are things you can't explain to a 2 year old (beside the fact that we also have a language barrier) so when we took him away from his orphanage, basically the only home he has ever known, it was hard for him. He had nannies who loved him dearly and he loved them in return. He had friends and "older siblings" who played with him and took care of him every day. Having all of that taken away from him was hard. 

We are amazed with how well Tsega is adjusting; he is beginning to feel safe and comfortable around Barry and me. But, he is still adjusting and learning. He is learning what a mother and a father are and WHO his mother and father are. He is learning to trust us and to feel safe around us. I spent a lot of time with him in the orphanage but he never realized I would take him out of that so now he has to learn that this home with Barry and me is permanent. No one is going to come and take us away from him or him from us. He is learning to adjust to new sounds, new food, new smells, new people, and a whole new environment. 

Any and all of that is a lot of adjustment for an adult who has the mental capacity and language to understand what is going on, let alone a toddler. 

With that being said, we have some things we would like our friends and family to know going forward. 

This is applies to everyone, we are not singling anyone out with this message. 

We are asking our friends and family to not pick up Tsega. We know this is a hard one, and something those of you who have stood beside us since the beginning have been waiting for but it is important. When you grow up in an orphanage you are hugged, kissed, and picked up by many different people, especially strangers. We want to make sure that Tsega knows who his parents are, that he comes to us first, and that he feels safe with us. Allowing him to be held by everyone makes it hard to create that bond and send that message. 

We are asking our friends and family to not give Tsega any food, drinks, or meet any of his needs. As I mentioned before Tsega is learning what a mother and a father are and although he calls us "Mama" and "Ababa" (dad in amharic) he doesn't fully know what those words mean.  He is learning that we are different than his nannies (he called some of them "mommy") at the orphanage and that we will forever provide for all of his needs. When other people start feeding him or meeting his needs it begins to send him mixed signals and it makes it hard for him to differentiate between Barry and me and everyone else. 

Please be patient with us, there is a big learning curve here, as we are new parents. We are allowing TJ to lead us and show us what he is and is not ready for. If we have to cut conversations short, change plans, or leave events early. Please know that it is not personal. We are not trying to hurt feelings or leave anyone out, we just want to do what is best for our son. 

We know these things are big asks, we know they are hard, and we know that they may sound extreme. We have done a lot of research, spoken with a lot of experienced adoptive families, and we have prayed a lot about it, and right now this is what is best for our son. Adoption and overcoming trauma is not something to be taken lightly. We want to set Tsega up to be really successful and for him to have great relationships with all of our friends and family and we feel that these things will allow for that to happen in the future. 

If you have any questions or want to talk with us more about it please feel free. We love you all so very much and we are so grateful for the overwhelming flood of love and support from everyone. 

Love, 

The Jordans 

Walking through the Storm

We are a little over a month in to this suspension and there is still no new news. There has been clamor of some positive things maybe coming, but nothing official. The rumors here change direction as quickly as the wind; it's hard to keep up. 

I feel as though I have been on the most insane emotional roller coaster of my life. Most days, I have been able to cling to hope, to stand firm on God's promises, to trust that he will prevail, and he will do what he said he would do. I could write (and have written) pages about all of the verses he has spoken to me; how I have prayed Exodus 14 over our situation, and how I can relate more than ever to the passage of Jesus calming the storm. I could tell you all about the devotions I have read about hope and how the same 10 verses have not-so-coincidentally appeared time after time. 

But, after being on this ride for over a month, it's all starting to wear me down. It's getting harder to keep my head held high, harder to see the truth through the harsh winds and heavy rains, and harder to cling to hope in my Jesus.

"A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is like a tree of life." 

Proverbs 13:12

I am longing for the day when my soul resonates with the second half of the verse, when I get to see Him glorified all the way through till the end of this process, and when our hopes and dreams of adopting our child are fulfilled.

But right now, my heart is sick. I am like Peter walking on water, slowly beginning to sink.

The first half of this verse is what I am resonating with lately, and I have honestly found it a comfort. Often times as Christians, when we are walking through the difficult times we act like we have to pretend we are okay, we can never admit the struggle, or the pain, or the heartache involved. But Proverbs tells me, "It's okay to be heartbroken." 

If there is anything I have learned in this month of waiting it has been this: it is important to acknowledge when you're feeling weak, for many reasons. One, so that your community can step up, strengthen you and BE the body of Christ. Two, the Bible says that in our weaknesses his perfect power is complete. If I never humble myself and admit that I am weak, and that I can't do this on my own, I am never allowing God the opportunity for his power to be complete. And TRUST me, right now I want nothing more than for his power to be complete and for his victory to rain down! 

There was a period of time where I felt strong, where I was able to keep my head held high, but I am finally at my weak point. I am at the point in this journey where I desperately need His power to finish what he has called us to.

My pastor told me the other day that one of the reasons why community is so important, is because when we are having our weak days our community has its strong days. 

That is truly how I have felt with all of you

We are so floored by all of you who stepped up and wrote letters to the Ethiopian ambassador, and wrote letters and made phone calls to our Congressmen. Your efforts were not in vain, I do think that they have helped, and we are hoping that we will be hearing really positive news soon. 

Many of you have messaged me to check in on me, to speak encouragement, to send verses, and to just talk. You have showed up when I have needed it the most, and those are the things that have kept me walking through the storm.

Dear Mama-In-Waiting,

I opened up the pink, flowery, card from my husband and my heart filled with joy and excitement. It was my first Mother's Day gift and I was certain it would be my last Mother's Day without our child physically in our home.  We decided we would do something small this year for Mother's Day & Father's Day, we wanted to celebrate as parents in waiting,  as if this was a pregnancy and our baby was coming soon. 

That was last year, Mother's Day 2016 and it was obviously not my last Mother's Day without our son. 

I would be lying to you if you if I said I wasn't fighting back some tears writing this today, but I felt God put it on my heart to write a letter to all the mamas in waiting. Whether you're adopting and haven't brought your child home yet, expecting, wanting to have children but haven't/can't yet, or you just have a desire to be a mama but it's not the right time. 

Dear Mama-In-Waiting, 

I know today is a bittersweet day. There is so much sweetness in celebrating our mothers whether it be our biological (or adoptive) moms, spiritual moms, or our friends who are rocking this motherhood thing! I also know there is some bitterness too. That desire deep down in your soul, longing to be a mother, to hold your child, to give them sweet kisses, to tuck them into bed at night. A longing to comfort them when they are sad or hurt, to watch them grow, and teach them so many things about this world, and life, and Jesus. I too have that longing, and sometimes it can be unbearable. But, I am here to encourage you. 

God sees you, he sees your desires, he sees your heart, and he has NOT forgotten you. I can't answer why he has called you to wait but I can tell you that he is a faithful God, and he is faithful in the waiting. That doesn't mean that the waiting is easy, but it does mean that we do not have to wait alone. 

God is near to the brokenhearted and he hears you crying out to him. Continue to lean on Him, let Him fill you with hope and peace. Cast your worry, fear, and anxiety on Him and let him hold you in His arms and draw you in nearer to Him. 

These may be words that you do not want to hear right now, or that you are tired of hearing. I get that, I understand that, I have felt that exact same way. But, don't lose hope for when we are at our weakest  then His power is complete. 

This day may bring many emotions, feelings of anger, joy, bitterness, hurt. That's okay, allow yourself to feel those feelings, and bring that pain to the Father, so that he can bring you comfort and peace. Surround yourself with friends, family, community who will cry with you, love on you, and encourage you. There may be points where you want to brush it off and say things like, "Well, I am not really a mom anyway so it doesn't matter." You are a mother, and do not let anyone tell you differently. God is already growing the love in your heart for you child(ren), he is equipping you with the wisdom and skills that you need to parent them, and he has given you a heart of a mother. 

Be encouraged mamas-in-waiting, this is a long and hard road, but you're not walking it alone. Grab the hand of a fellow mama-in-waiting walking next to you, plant yourself firmly in the Father's promises, and keep walking together through this valley, your mountain top is coming soon! You are NOT forgotten! 

To my mom, my mom-in-love, and all of my other friends and family, happiest of Mother's Days to you all! I am so thankful that I get to watch you guys love on your children and truly rock motherhood, I know it is not an easy road. I pray that you all feel the love and appreciation today!

First Update & A Cry for Prayer

I have been here for a month already, the time has truly flown by! I was expecting to write an update much sooner than this but for the longest time I couldn't quite figure out what I wanted to say. But, the last few days have brought some hard news and with that a sense of urgency to write and ask for your help.

But, before I get to that, I wanted to take a minute to write about the moment I first met our little boy.

March 23, 2017

Joel, the country director for our agency, picked me up from the guest house to take me to the orphanage. My head was spinning with emotions and I was trying hard to fight off the lingering jet lag. The moment we arrived at the orphanage I felt like I was in a dream. I honestly couldn't believe that I was there in our child's orphanage seconds away from meeting him. It was surreal.

We greeted the nannies, and they led me up the stairs into the baby room. I waited, and moments later one of his nannies walked out holding our son and handed him to me. I honestly couldn't believe the moment I had been dreaming about and longing for was finally here. I was holding my son, physically touching him! Let's just say there were definitely some tears shed. (I am very thankful to Joel for capturing this moment for us!)

I would love to tell you it was this incredibly magical moment for both of us. But, the honest truth is, as much as my heart was filled with joy, it was quite scary for our little guy. They had woken him up early from his nap, it took him a while to adjust to everything he was calm and let me hold him for a while. He just stared and stared, taking it all in but then the tears started coming, I knew he was scared, and I knew we would have plenty of time together. So, I handed him back to his nannies and we left shortly after.

I felt it was important to share this piece, because as adoptive parents it is very easy to love your child from the very first picture you see. I have had a year and a half of loving him, seeing pictures of him, and preparing for his arrival. We can get so caught up in this that we forget that children need more time, and his reaction was confirmation that coming here to spend time with him in HIS environment, and in HIS culture, is exactly what will help us bond closer together as a family.

Fast forward to today: On Thursday, we received news that MOWA (a branch of the Ethiopian government in charge of adoptions) has put a stop to ALL adoptions, effective immediately.  For those that want more information you can read about it here on the state website.  We don't know how long this ban is for or the effects it will have on our case. We do know that this is a scary circumstance. This ban could be temporary or it could be permanent (Which would mean never being able to bring TJ home). We also know that we serve a good God, and he is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ask for.

BUT.

We need prayer and we need a lot of it! So we are asking that if you are a person of prayer, please pray with us. This not only just affects us, but hindered of families, and ultimately the millions of orphans taht are here in Ethiopia.

*Pray that this ban is temporary

*Pray that this doesn't have a drastic affect on not only our case

but the other families waiting to bring their children home as well

*Pray that we would be filled with peace during this time

We know and believe that God is able and that he can do BIG things, especially when we pray! 

Last Update & Room Reveal

It's hard to believe that it's been 2 months since we made the decision for me to travel to Ethiopia. Now that day is rapidly approaching. I am leaving Monday. MONDAY!!!!

I am still working on packing up my life for the next 3 months into 2 suitcases, and I feel like there are a million little things to do before I go. But, overall, I feel ready and I am beyond excited to see what God has in store for these next 3 months!!

This will be my last update whilst being stateside. I intend to update while I am over there, as long as I have cooperating Internet. ;)

For those of you who feel lead to pray for us while I am gone, here are a few Prayer points:

Pray for safe & smooth travels 

Pray for protection over Barry and me and our marriage

Pray that there is movement in our case 

Pray that we will be able to bring TJ home when I return in June 

In my last post I shared a link to an Amazon Registry for donations for the orphanage.  We have been overwhelmed by the response from everyone! We have sooooo many donations. I packed as much as I could into our biggest suitcase and I still have some leftover that will have to go in another bag. AND I cannot lift the suitcase, which may or may not be a problem while traveling. :)

Here is a look at all of the donations you guys purchased! 

We are so, so, so, so blown away by the generosity and love that you all have shown. Thank you is no where near enough to express our gratitude. Please know it means so much to us, to have seen the way you all have rallied behind us!

*We did send out thank you cards to everyone who sent donations, if you didn't get one let us know (Some of the donations didn't have a name on them)!


During this process of preparing to leave, I also, in faith, decided to do some nesting. I wanted to have TJ's room all ready to go, just in case he does get to come home with us in June. This is something I have put off for a long time. Mostly because it was just too painful. I would rather walk by a barren room each morning, then have to catch a glimpse of a room where you should be seeing a child sitting down to read a book, or play with toys. But, since this season is all about big leaps of faith, I decided to step out in faith and finish his room so that it will be ready for his arrival.

I wanted his room to be a peaceful place, I didn't want it to overwhelm or overstimulate him. So we went with grey & neutral tones with some pops of color. We did a safari theme, but elephants are definitely the main animal (I have an obsession people!). We are pretty pleased with the outcome, so... without further ado.

                                                    

The top two photos and this bottom one are all part of his reading corner, it's my favorite part of the room! 

I have a friend working on a piece for behind the crib which is why it's blank

I couldn't resist this photo, one of my friends
 purchased this doorstop in England <3

There it is! Now, we just need a little boy running around in there!


Also, for those of you still curious as to why we are doing this and why it is worth it, THIS blog post explains it well. I couldn't have said it better myself! 

It's a New Season

Each year Barry and I buy a new Christmas ornament and we write all of our favorite memories and big moments from the year on it. It is one of my most favorite traditions we do, and I always look forward to it. As we sat down to fill out our ornament this past season, for the first time since starting the tradition, coming up with memories was a struggle. As we reflected on 2016 we realized we didn't do a whole lot. We didn't go on any trips (until Toronto at the verrrry end), there weren't any significant changes or events,  we only went to 2 weddings (that's a big deal for us, last year we went to at least 10) what we really did was wait. and wait. and wait. and wait.

2016 was a year spent waiting.

We chose to put an entire year of our life on hold, waiting to bring our son home. We chose to have crazy faith, that TJ would come home by the end of 2016. And, because of that faith we didn't go anywhere, we said no to many things in order to save money, we didn't adventure, and explore, the way we normally would because we had faith that TJ would be home.

As we tried to conjure up some ideas so that our ornament wasn't bare, we couldn't help but feel a little.... depressed.

And I began to question. Why did we wait? Were we supposed to just wait? Did we do something wrong?

**Let me just clarify, I know that waiting was what God had for us and there was so much purpose and faith building in the wait (and we did do things, we didn't just sit around, but by comparison it was extremely low key). We don't regret waiting, waiting for TJ is completely, and totally, 100% worth it.  However, Barry and I both felt that waiting wasn't what God had for us in 2017.

Going into the new year, I carried that memory and those questions with me, and I began to ask even more questions: What will 2017 be like? Will we spend it waiting too?

I didn't want to spend another year waiting, I didn't want to feel like our lives were put on hold again. And, honestly, I was scared. I was scared to hope for TJ to come this year, we had already walked through a whole year of hoping, to turn around and be disappointed. Not only was I scared, I was tired. Tired of clinging to my last strand of faith, tired of choosing trust and just tired of waiting. 

A few weeks ago I allowed myself to finally process through all of these emotions. I knew I couldn't push them aside any longer. I needed to let it all out, ask God my questions and spend time being honest, open, and raw with him. As I was praying, I began to feel a burden being lifted, hope beginning to be restored, and a crazy idea starting to surface.  I later called a friend, to help me process through everything while talking with her she asked me, "What do you want to do?" before I could even think, that crazy idea came pouring from my mouth, "I just want to go to Ethiopia and stay there until TJ gets home!" Expecting her to think I was crazy or impractical, you can imagine my surprise when her response was, "Then Go!"

I brought this idea up with Barry and I was again surprised to find that he thought it was a great idea. We decided that we would spend the next few days praying and seeking God's wisdom before making our decision. Through this time of prayer, I very clearly heard God say, "Felicia go to Ethiopia, go meet your son." My eyes welled with tears as I imagined finally getting to hold our little one, joy filled my heart as I started to feel freedom from the season of waiting, and a restoration of hope filled my soul. Barry had also felt that going was what God wanted me to do. 

So, with peace in our hearts, ladies and gentlemen........ 

 I AM GOING TO ETHIOPIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you can't tell, I am rather excited about the whole ordeal! We have decided that I will stay for 3 months. I will be leaving in mid-March, and coming back in mid-June. We have no idea if at the end of it, I will actually get to bring TJ home, but we both have a lot of peace about it either way.  God will do good things while I am there and he will bring TJ home in His own perfect time (of course we are praying that it works out for him to come home in June. I mean how awesome would that be?!?!).

I know some of you may be thinking: 3 months?!? That's a long time to be by yourself in a foreign country, and a long time to be away from your husband.

Both of those things are true. To the former, I have done a lot of traveling in the 1st and 3rd world, by myself and with others. I know what to do and what not to do, the things I need to look out for and be aware of, and how to travel alone. To the latter,  Barry and I have made this decison together, with God. We know He will take care of both of us individually as well as our marriage. We also know that 3 months in the span of a lifetime is really, pretty small. But these 3 months could be very impactful not just for our adoption process, but for our little guy as well.

We invite you to pray for us as we embark further on this adventure.

I will also be collecting donations to take to the orphanage. If you have ever wanted to do something to directly impact the lives of orphans, this is a great way to do so.  You can click on the link here and have the items shipped to my house, or if you're in the area you can pick things up from the store and drop them by. These donations will go directly to the orphanage to help ALL of the kiddos there (about 20 kids ranging from infants to 17 years old) and the amazing nannies that take such good care of them!

I will write a few more updates before I leave. The Internet in Ethiopia isn't the best but I will try to update as much as possible while I am there.