November is National Adoption Month.
I have been pondering all month about what to say in honor of this month and here I am coming through a day late, but I couldn't let another year go by.
The truth is that it has been hard for me to put into words exactly what I wanted to say. There is so much to say about adoption and my story is only one side of it.
I have gone back and forth on the format and the content of this post. I didn't want to come across as negative or discouraging because my heart is not in either of those things. I also thought about writing about the importance of adoption but I didn't want to paint a one-sided picture.
So I decided to just go with what was on my heart.
This post is for those who have maybe watched an adoption journey from the sidelines (or maybe are starting one) because there is a side of the adoption that often gets written off and forgotten and it's the side that is often impacted the most.
This post is written from a deep place of love but it's purpose is to help shape a new perspective and to open eyes.
The truth is adoption is messy. It's complicated, and it is not something that can just be written off as a "blessing".
There are four types of conversations I have encountered since Barry and I stepped foot on this journey almost 4 years ago. Four things that have heavily stuck out to me and made me realize that the way people view us and more importantly our child are not the way I want the world to look at us when they see our family.
I have merged the four types of conversations into the following categories.
Judgement
Savior Complex
Mourning
Privacy
Judgement:
One of the things that I found most surprising in our adoption journey is the amount of judgment we've received. Not necessarily about the fact that we were/are adopting (I expected that) but about the way we were going about adoption. The fact that we chose the route of International Adoption over domestic seemed to appall many people. The funny thing was, these weren't people that were pursuing domestic foster care or adoption, they were *mostly* people who've never even pursued adoption at all. Maybe you are reading this and you were (or are) one of these people, let me help you see a new perspective.
God loves children. All children. It doesn't matter what country they were born in, what family they were born into, or what language they speak. He loves them all and he loves them all the same. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
He doesn't look at one child or orphan and say one is more important than the other. They are all loved, valued, and equally important to him.
We have many friends who do (or have done) foster to adopt/domestic adoptions, we love that! Those kids need love and need families just as much as children born in other countries. However, God called us on a different journey with our adoption and that is perfectly okay.
So if someone you know is walking the adoption journey and you don't "agree" with the choice they have made, I would like you to take a look at what you are really saying. AND, if you still don't "agree" then I encourage you to be part of the solution and consider doing foster care and/or adoption.
For those of you walking this adoption journey who may have received this type of judgement, know you are not alone.
Savior Complex:
Often as Christians we talk about the "beauty" of adoption. What a "gift" and "blessing" it is. While I know these terms and phrases are well meaning, I often feel very uncomfortable when people start telling me that my child is so "blessed" to have us as his parents and we are doing a "good thing".
I am baffled by the number of people who have told me (or people in our family) how "lucky" Tsega is or how "grateful he should be" or how "blessed he is".
I know most people mean well when they say things like this, but I again want to open your eyes to what you're really saying when you make comments like this.
The picture you are painting is a child orphan in need of us (the parents) as a savior.
I never want to be looked at as some kind of savior because that is simply not the case. We did not rescue our child. We are not his Savior, we don't view it that way and we don't want anyone else who looks at our family to view it that way either.
Yes, these children need families to love, care, and help them heal and yes we are and can provide that but we didn't swoop down and save him like some super hero. The only savior our kiddo or any kiddo for that matter needs is Jesus.
That mindset can be very dangerous.
Mourning:
Adoption is Plan B. Maybe not for the adoptive family but for the child (and often everyone else involved) it's Plan B. Children belong in families and they deserve to be with their biological families first and foremost. However, we live in a broken world and that is often not feasible or safe for the child.
Enter Adoption.
The key thing here is adoption is rooted in loss. DEEP loss. Regardless of whether the child entered the adoptive family's arms the minute they were born (for those that think a child adopted at infancy can't suffer trauma, please message me) or 11 years after they were born it is rooted in deep loss. There is no lack of evidence to show the bond that is created between a mother and child in utero, that doesn't just go away when a child enters a new home no matter how loving and open the arms receiving them are.
Children being adopted lose their biological mother, their family, their home (sometimes multiple homes), friends and so much more, not to mention the abuse/trauma that most of them have gone through.
That is a lot for a grown adult to go through let alone a child, and failure to acknowledge or deal with that can further the damage that's already been done.
Yes, God can and does redeem and he can turn a messy, tragic, desperate situation and make it beautiful, but that takes time and a lot of hard work. Often continuous work that is never really done.
Something to keep in mind the next time you see a child who was adopted and you're tempted to call them "lucky" or "blessed", while it is great that they are in a healthy family and environment, what they have gone through to get there was not lucky.
The trauma that children who are in foster care and/or are adopted experience is also not information for the world to know, which leads me to my next point.
Privacy:
Just because a child entered a family in a way different from biologically doesn't mean that their story, medical history/conditions, trauma or anything else is information for any and everyone to have.
Something I have found surprisingly common is how much personal information people want to know about Tsega and his story. Most people ask this question just out of curiosity, they want to know how the child got into their situation. While I can *kind of* understand why people ask, it is something that I, as a non-confrontational person have struggled to navigate. For the sake of shaping a new perspective I am going to confront it head on:
Adoption never happens because of a good situation, every adoption story is rooted in some sort of deep pain and loss which is not something that everyone wants to relive. Often times children, depending on their age, may not fully understand their story. So to ask to be given information about a child, when the child themselves is still dealing with the ramifications and emotions of it, is inappropriate even if the question isn't asked that way.
An adoptee's past and history is their story to tell when and if they are ready, not the parents. Tsega doesn't even know his full story so for us, we can't justify divulging all of his story to everyone when he doesn't even know what his story is yet.
Protecting an adoptee's story is a key piece to helping them rectify their trauma.
Again, I do not in any way want this to come across as a lecture, a bitter rant, or negative stance on adoption. None of those things are true.
I just couldn't let another year go by and not shed light on these issues because I know most people partake in these conversations from well intentioned places.
